1. Most bicyclists won’t admit they have moved so many box turtles across the road and taken so many puppies to the front porches that their nickname is usher. That they have given so many kittens a ride home in a jersey pocket that their bike is now called the ark.
2. Most bicyclists won’t admit that they have paid off their car, home mortgage and college loans but are still making payments on a carbon wheelset. That their bike is actually worth more than their car. That the bike clothes in their closet cost more than their dress clothes and that they have on occasion worn bike shorts under regular clothes to act as SPANX.
3. Most bicyclists won’t admit to singing most of Taylor Swift’s greatest hits while they ride, to not knowing more than nine words of any of the songs and that their tone deaf attempts to hum the tunes sound more like a bad fan belt than Swift’s work.
4. Most bicyclists won’t admit to placing a Baby Ruth bar in a jersey pocket on a hot day and then being unable to decide to whether to cop to being that stupid or just take the easy way out and claim explosive diarrhea.
5. Most bicyclists won’t admit to bathroom blunders in the great outdoors including but not limited to being able to gauge which trees and bushes are bigger than them while still rolling, rating all of the convenience store bathrooms within a 20-mile radius of their homes on a five point scale and knowing the names of all of the clerks, occasionally having to clean their kit and shoes with pet stain remover.
6. Most bicyclists won’t admit to not being able to change a tire in under 17 minutes, forgetting to replace items in their tire change kit, turning their bike multitool over and over in their hands trying to remember how it works, having a threaded inflator and non-threaded CO2 cartridges, discovering that their spare tube is older than their eldest child.
7. Most bicyclists won’t admit to driving home claiming they forgot their helmet when really they noticed that their socks didn’t match the rest of their kit.
Pick a number! Which one is your favorite or sounds like you?
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