1) After your last angry outburst your scale tried to escape by riding off on your Roomba.
2) Your computrainer class is having weigh-ins for accountability. In an effort to gain an edge you inhale helium before stepping on the scale. It doesn’t work but you have a new nickname: sugar quacks.
3) You wear two Fitbits one on your right wrist and one on your left ankle. You enter whichever has the higher calorie count into your daily diet and exercise journal.
4) You are talking about superfoods with a friend, and they tell you that seaweed is the new kale. In an effort to sound informed you reply that chocolate is the new caramel.
5) Halfway through meal prep of a week’s worth of lunches your significant other points out that substituting sawmill gravy for Greek yogurt might not be nutritionally sound.
6) You are now required to wear the “cone of shame” at your Keto diet group meetings after investigation revealed that the bacon bits in your salad were actually brown M&M’s.
7) You started a tofu, tree bark and nut diet. On your way into work you were set upon by a roving band of squirrels that made off with your lunch. You could have sworn that one of them was wearing an eyepatch. You suspect the woodchuck that made eye contact with you was their lookout.
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